Many of you know my story. Some of you don’t.  Part of my story is ugliness and darkness–that part is hard to share.  But, what I will rejoice in and what I will never stop sharing is what God has done and continues to do. He is a good, good Father and I will shout from the rooftops of His kindness and how He restored my soul!  So, here goes…my story:

My dad was the youth minister of a small Baptist Church where I grew up. I accepted Christ at age five, and I don’t remember a time that I did not love Him. I felt a calling of God to serve in ministry from a very early age. I loved the Lord.  I was also painfully shy.  I was extremely insecure and I wanted nothing more than to simply go unnoticed.  But I noticed something.  I noticed that there was this group of people that seemed to have it all together.  Life just seemed to be better for them.  They were the popular kids.  Everyone liked them, shoot, everyone wanted to be them…and so did I.  My junior year of high school I decided that this was my last chance to break out of this shell and be “popular”.  I decided to try out for cheerleader and believe me that was a big risk!  Well, I made it!  Much to my surprise!  Now, there were ten girls who tried out and only one didn’t make it, so my victory says nothing about my athletic ability.  But at this point, I began to weigh the values I been raised believing against the things I was now experiencing and I entered a significant season of rebellion.

Not much time passed before a young man expressed interest in me.  He was the class favorite, class president, you name it he was it, and he liked me? This is exactly what I had hoped for!  My parents knew this guy and said “absolutely not, you will not be dating him”.  Well, being 17 and so much wiser than they were, I decided to go ahead and date him. We would eventually break up and no one had to know, no one would get hurt.  We began dating and a few months later the relationship became sexual.  Eventually I found myself in an unplanned pregnancy. This young man was not a believer and didn’t claim to be. Throughout our relationship, he was behaving the way people who do not have a relationship with the Lord behave. I, however, did know the Lord. I was a believer. I had a strong background in Scripture. I knew Him and that His plans were for good. I knew babies are not a mistake and sex was sacred. I was the one behaving contrary to my heritage and contrary to my relationship with the Lord. Nonetheless, we found ourselves faced with a pregnancy and having to making a decision that would affect us from that point forward. Our choice would mean literal life or death for the child.

The young man said that I could do whatever I thought was best for me and he was going to college and wouldn’t be involved. I know that he was terrified and overwhelmed.  To hear him say, though, first hand, that he was washing his hands of me and this baby absolutely took my breath away.  I remember being flooded with shame, regret and sadness, yet at the same time willing myself not to allow one tear to trickle down my check.  As hard as that was, it would pale in comparison to telling my parents. My best friend gave my dad a heads-up that I was on my way home and that I was going to tell him that I was pregnant.  I pulled up in front of my house and my dad met me in the driveway.  Even this moment, remembering those moments, I still get a sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach.  I told my dad, not only have I been lying and sneaking around, but I have been dating this guy he forbid me to date.  We have been having sex and now I am pregnant. Emotion and panic rushed in like a flood. It was too much emotionally really to feel, so I withdrew.  I withdrew from my family, from my friends.  I completely isolated myself from everyone.  And I slept.  Constantly.

Often times, in much the same way I did, people tend to seclude themselves in the midst of struggle rather than reach out for counsel, because they don’t want others to know. Immediately, it becomes a secret. Secrets are kept in the darkness—the enemy’s territory. The Lord tells us to bring things into the light. Secrets are dangerous. We had ourselves a secret and were looking for answers. We wanted an answer that would respect our secret and allow us to keep things hidden and out of the light. Panic set in.

Time is crucial for those considering life or abortion. There are no take backs on this one, and the decision affects all involved. In a crisis, we experience a flood of emotion. We quickly move from being afraid to being shameful to being embarrassed to being angry to being insecure and then all over again. I felt things and considered things I would have never dreamed possible. At this point, I felt like I was drowning–wave after wave of uncertainty and fear.

The consequences of my choice still come in waves.

Isolation is a tactic of the enemy to keep us in darkness so that we weaken. As the Church Body, we are dependent on community for insight and guidance. In the midst of a week’s time, because we did not seek counsel, because we were afraid, because we didn’t give ourselves time, and because we did not trust the Lord, my family and I decided I needed to have an abortion. Seven days after finding out I was pregnant, my father and I sat in the waiting room of the abortion clinic.

The most alone I have ever felt in all my days was sitting in that waiting room, surrounded by more people than I could count. We were all there together, for the same thing, but we were all completely alone. My dad would tell you the thought that overtook him was, “Our situation is different, but how can you people do this?”

I had justified what I knew to be sin. Believing that, in this scenario, for us, just this once, the rules were different and the boundaries, blurred.  I thought things like, “The Lord says that life is valuable and precious. He ordains life. Yet, in this situation maybe even He can understand why we would do such a thing.”

Upon exiting that clinic, I remember thinking; I can never speak of this again. This is done, I will bury it. I will not look back; I will shut off this pain. So, I became completely numb.

Continued…

My love,